Photo Chop Suey

And We're Back

2007-10-18T01:07:00.000-07:00

This blog is pretty dusty. I haven't even looked at it let alone posted for almost a year. I actually put it on the back burner because I had learned too many photo manipulation techniques to continue with laughably bad photochops. If you are amused by my older posts, you will have to get used to work that is no longer laughably bad. I am now merely bad.

Photo-Chopping Should Never Be Used For Evil

2006-10-31T04:40:00.000-08:00

Al Franken is on the road campaigning for the Democrats in the US. The GOP put a fake picture of him in a press release. It's just convincing enough to be believed by really stupid people. Others clamoured to find the AP photograph that the republicans lifted Al's face off of for the composite picture. I wonder who the diaper-clad body belongs to?

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Al Franken
GOP

Jennifer Aniston Talking About the Nude Thing

2006-07-08T05:01:00.000-07:00

Jennifer Aniston is finding herself publicly mentioning the nudity in The Break-Up several times a day in an effort to increase the movie's box office revenue. Here is the latest blurb:

"It's nerve-wracking and you have to pretend you are at ease. My sweet hair and makeup and wardrobe assistants wanted to make me feel better and I remember coming into the room after a take and they'd all taken their shirts off."

Is This Photo of Shiloh Nouvel Real ?

2006-06-07T01:35:00.000-07:00

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, a baby and a Getty Images watermark all appear together in a photo. I'm not going to republish it, if you found me, you can find it.

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Brad Pitt
Angelina Jolie
Shiloh Nouvel

Lindsay Lohan: The Camera Loves Her

2006-05-14T01:13:00.000-07:00

Lindsay Lohan

Tom Cruise is on a Mission to Soothe Katie Holmes

2006-04-13T13:46:00.000-07:00

This is one of those stories that I don't report as fact, but really it COULD be true. There a numerous reports that Katie is being encouraged to remain quiet during childbirth, and now Star is saying that Tom got her some custom made device to put in her mouth.

I think they should film the birth and give it the title 'Mouth Wide Shut'...maybe not.

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Katie Holmes
Tom Cruise

Green Day Gets Dissed By Some Old Guy

2006-03-30T11:14:00.000-08:00

“They’re sticky tape on a duck’s arse. They wouldn’t have survived it. We had to earn our wings."

This is the quote of Johnny Rotten.

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Green Day
Johnny Rotten

Jennifer Lopez Is Strong To The Finach...Find Out Why

2006-03-27T05:05:00.000-08:00

A Jennifer Lopez quote:

"Since my doctor recommended it I've been on spinach omelettes for breakfast, spinach salad for lunch and sautéed spinach with every dinner.

"I guess if the spinach doesn't help me conceive I'll still end up with Popeye-sized muscles."

Spinach is high in folic acid and iron, which are said to help improve the chances of conception. I think there might be a secret among her staff involving never telling her that she has spinach stuck in her teeth. I will keep an eye out for a picture...it would be wrong to just fake one.

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Jennifer Lopez

Whtie House Chef and South Park Chef Quit Simultaneously

2006-03-14T05:35:00.000-08:00

This cannot be a mere coinc idence. I think they may be switching jobs.

Thaddeus Dubois may have had enough of calling the french pastries 'Freedom Pastries', but you just know Matt and Trey are going to noogie him until he gives up every government secret that he is aparty to.

Isaac Hayes
Thaddeus Dubois
South Park
White House
George W. Bush

The AARP Must Boycott Tim Allen's Stupid Remake

2006-02-09T07:56:00.000-08:00

When the lazy folks in Hollywood do a remake of a movie that had more pointless sequels than you can shake a stick at, all they can add to the mix is envelope pushing bits of offensiveness. Can someone please start pushing back?

Shaggy Dog trailer...

Tim Allen

Ashley and Mary-Kate Helped Turn Jodie Sweetin's Life Around

2006-02-08T11:15:00.000-08:00

Jodie Sweetin checked herself into Promises rehab facility for six weeks of intensive therapy after a particularly bad three-day bender, which reportedly resulted in an intervention staged by her former Full House costars, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, John Stamos and Bob Saget. I think Mary-Kate's role in the event was to point out the 'one child star gone bad per show' rule. The Different Strokes kids ignored the rule and the syndication revenue plummetted.

Jodie came clean about her addiction and recovery on 'Good Morning America'.

Oh, and what is up with that Olsen girl's huge hands and poorly attached ears ?

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Mary-Kate Olsen
Ashley Olsen
Jodie Sweetin

What Was Britney Spears Thinking ?

2006-02-07T23:23:00.000-08:00

Pictures published in the New York Post and elsewhere on Tuesday showed Britney Spears at the wheel of her sport utility vehicle, holding her 5-month-old baby, Sean, on her lap.

Now we find out that a deputy paid a visit to Spears' home in Malibu to obtain "contact information" at the request of the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services.

Britney's first response to the issue has been to blame paparazzi for creating a horrifying situation where she was concerned for her babies safety. I would like to point out that in one of the pictures she has the driver's side window halfway down, that's not an indication that she was in the middle of a threatening situation.

Oh, and the above picture is fake, the incident portrayed in the picture never happened. It is intended as satire, and there is precedent that it doesn't have to be funny.

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Britney Spears
Michael Jackson

My Crazy SATIRICAL ( a legal defense ) Katie Holmes Related Theory

2006-02-07T10:14:00.000-08:00

I have an explanation for the unexplained variations in Katie Holmes' abdominal size. Follow closely:

1.) Tom Cruise and his Scientology 'Team Katie' are completely controlling Katie's every thought and action.
2.) Katie has a bladder that fills with urine as a result of normal human metabolism.
3.) In most normal humans, the bladder is emptied several times a day, usually voluntarily.
4.) Because of point #1, Katie is incapable of any voluntary actions, such as #3

5.) Because of Tom's busy schedule of acting and furniture stomping, he often forgets to tell Katie to go pee
6.) The result of #5 is that Katie's bladder has been stretched to an abnormal size, causing her to appear more pregnant when it is full and less pregnant when it is empty.

I hope this helps clear up the mystery.

Katie Holmes
Tom Cruise

I Want You To Enjoy The Dr Phil Soundboard

2006-02-07T04:50:00.000-08:00

This is one of those funny things that entertained my family for days, mind you we have issues.

Soundboard...

Phil McGraw
Dr. Phil

Paris Hilton And Mary-Kate Olsen Are Friends Again

2006-02-02T02:14:00.000-08:00

Life and Style Magazine is claiming that Paris Hilton and Mary-Kate Olsen talked through things while seated together at a Golden Globes party. Maybe Mary-Kate has an easier time making nice to Paris now that Miss Hilton is in legal trouble on two fronts and getting lots of bad tabloid press. It's called schadenfreude .

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Paris Hilton
Mary-Kate Olsen

Brad Pitt Saddened By His Own Wealth And Beauty

2006-02-01T22:40:00.000-08:00

Brad was giving a little Buddhism 101 to the London Sunday Times:

"The three terrible karmas are beauty, wealth and fame. They're the things that stop you from finding true happiness. I've always had this kind of congenital sadness. I see the guy out there (himself on screen) sometimes and I want to beat him up."

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Brad Pitt
Angelina Jolie

Marilyn Manson To Star In Movie About Lewis Carroll

2006-02-01T08:00:00.000-08:00

Marilyn Manson will make his feature directorial debut on 'Phantasmagoria - The Visions of Lewis Carroll.'

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Marilyn Manson

Britney Spears to Guest Star On 'Will and Grace'

2006-01-31T23:56:00.000-08:00

Britney Spears will appear as a guest star on NBC’s “Will & Grace,” Access Hollywood has confirmed.

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Britney Spears

Sean Hayes

Jessica Simpson is Confused Again

2006-01-31T14:03:00.000-08:00

Jessica Simpson was recently informed by a concerned family member that a 'Buffalo Stance' does not mean on all fours butt nekid.

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Jessica Simpson

John Travolta In Drag ?

2006-01-29T00:09:00.000-08:00

John Travolta is set to start filming a remake of "Hairspray". He will be in drag playing the role of Edna Turnblad. Billy Crystal will play his husband.

Story...

John Travolta

What If 'Being John Malkovich' Was 'Being John Goodman' Instead?

2006-01-28T12:55:00.000-08:00

Actually the unlikely alternative that scriptwriter Charlie Kaufman mentions is 'Being Sherman Hemsley'. Please Dave Chappelle, come back and do this for us.

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John Malkovich
John Goodman
Sherman Hemsley
Dave Chappelle
Charlie Kaufman

Brian Quintana Still Has Paris Hilton's Picture On His Website

2006-01-27T00:33:00.000-08:00

Brian Quintana loves to have his picture taken with famous people, so much so that he hasn't taken a picture of himself with Paris Hilton off the top of his PHOTOS page on his website. Paris is one of the few people on the page who don't look vaguely uncomfortable when posing with Brian.

More Photos...

Paris Hilton
Brian Quintana
Ben Stiller

Kevin Federline Is A Rapper ?

2006-01-26T22:01:00.000-08:00

Salon points out that an AP reporter (I think they report facts, not opinion) penned this: "Britney's husband's rap is 'incredibly horrible.'"

...and?

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Britney Spears
Kevin Federline

Angelina And Brad Give Mixed Messages

2006-01-26T11:20:00.000-08:00

There are conflicting reports about this question. Angelina supposedly told Robert Rodriguez that she and Brad would never get married, unless their children asked them to. Meanwhile Brad Pitt reportedly told Fernando Meirelles that he and Jolie were going to get married soon.

This is clearly one of two things; unfortunate miscommunication or strategic misdirection.

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Brad Pitt
Angelina Jolie

Ricky Martin's Sex Life

2006-01-26T11:16:00.000-08:00

"I'm open to everything," Ricky Martin said in an interview, which went on to describe, in detail, how he "loves giving the 'golden shower.'" "There are moments for soft, gentle sex. And there are moments for a good spank in the butt."

My source fails to mention if his sex life involves other people and of what gender(s).
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Ricky Martin

Stavros Niarchos Uses A Fake ID

2006-01-26T07:44:00.000-08:00

Paris Hilton was none too happy when she and boyfriend, 19-year-old Stavros Niarchos, were turned away from sister Nicky's New Year's Eve celebration at Pure nightclub. The legal drinking age is 21.

Reports say Stavros flashed a fake ID to get into the party, but was turned away. Nicky and Paris reportedly stormed out of the club. So, if he is not a US citizen and he is carrying false identification, shouldn't he be in lots of really deep trouble?

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Paris Hilton

Pamela Anderson Wants To Pull Down Colonel Sanders Statue

2006-01-25T22:25:00.000-08:00

So PETA has a point about cruelty in the poultry industry. It's a sad commentary on society that they feel the only way to get attention is through over the top publicity stunts involving Pamela Anderson. What individual people need to do is find a source of free range, humanely killed chickens and buy them instead of the big industry hormone fed lumps of meat. They will undoubtedly cost more, but they taste better too.

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Pamela Anderson

Kate Moss And Jack Osbourne Make A Cute Couple

2006-01-25T03:14:00.000-08:00

The New York Daily News says that Kate Moss was all over Jack Osbourne yesterday morning at Teddy's, which is an after-hours club in Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel.

Moss has recently undergone rehab for cocaine addiction, but openly admits to drinking alcohol. I can say from personal experience that drinking excessively can lead to physical interactions with people who you would not hug at a funeral if you were sober. I hope you learn from this experience, Jack.

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Jack Osbourne
Kate Moss

Gwen Stefani Comes To The Rescue Of Unstylish Infants

2006-01-25T00:18:00.000-08:00

We knew this was coming. Baby L.A.M.B. was an inevitable progression for singer turned fashion designer Gwen Stefani.

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Gwen Stefani

Simon Fuller Has A Full, Lustrous Head Of Hair

2006-01-24T14:19:00.000-08:00

During a 1 week period in late December Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood and Bo Bice were all in the top ten of Billboard's Top 200 chart.

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Kelly Clarkson
Carrie Underwood
Bo Bice

Kinky Nick Lachey Liked To Wear Jessica Simpson's Shoes

2006-01-24T14:18:00.000-08:00

Nick Lachey gave this suprising detail of his sex life with Jessica to Elle Magazine. One thing I'm wondering is if this means Nick Lachey has...um...small feet.

A less suprising revelation was the fact that grown man Nick cries regularly.

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Jessica Simpson
Nick Lachey

Spam Chop Suey

2006-01-24T13:36:00.000-08:00

I want to have a regular feature on this blog where I illustrate the most interesting subject line from my hotmail junk folder. This weeks winner is:

"Do you want down sweet virgin nourishing..."

Madonna

Jennifer Lopez Pregnant ?

2006-01-24T13:29:00.000-08:00

Upon close examination, Dr. Ted D. Bayer concludes that what celebrity bloggers thought might be a 'baby bump' is, in fact Jennifer's ass.

The Big Picture...

Jennifer Lopez

THIS IS NOT AN ACTUAL PICTURE OF KATIE HOLME'S BABY

2006-01-24T13:26:00.000-08:00

*THIS IS NOT AN ACTUAL PICTURE OF KATIE HOLME'S BABY

Tom Cruise has bought his own sonogram machine so he can follow the progress in Katie Holme's womb.

More...

Katie Holmes
Tom Cruise

Party Pooper

2006-01-24T12:14:00.000-08:00

Katie Holmes was among several celebrities being poorly impersonated in a South Park episode titled 'Trapped in the Closet'.

One of the other celebrities took exception to how he was being portrayed and no broadcasters are showing the episode again. People in the UK will never get to see it, which is a shame because it is pretty funny.

This puts crazy Mel Gibson in a good light as he has allowed 'The Passion of the Jew' to be repeated ad nauseum and released as a DVD.

Tom Cruise is not gay and never has been.

Unrelated trivia: Isaac Hayes, who is the voice of Chef is also Scientology's Literacy Ambassador, children.

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Katie Holmes
Tom Cruise

Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie May Fly Into Outer Space On The Virgin Galactic

2006-01-24T11:57:00.000-08:00

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have convinced Richard Branson to take them aboard his Virgin Galactic Spaceship which will lift off in 2010.

The couple have paid £115,000 each to ensure they have a seat on the jet; they will be in the company of Sigourney Weaver, Moby, Robbie Williams and William Shatner among others.

So, if they break up before then, it will be a very awkward flight. I sat between my cousin and his ex-girlfriend at a concert once. I think I'm available for the flight if Brad And Angelina end up needing a buffer.

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Brad Pitt
Angelina Jolie

Hilary Duff Really Loves Canada

2006-01-24T11:37:00.000-08:00

Hilary Duff has an easy time selling concert tickets in Canada, Canadian 'journalists' give her an easy time in interviews. She loves Canada, can you blame her? Here's what she says:

"I've spent so much time in Toronto and Vancouver, and just touring here so much -- I love it. I like the cold and it's a good change from being in L.A."

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Hilary Duff

The Ruben Wardrobe Malfunction That Wasn't

2006-01-24T11:32:00.000-08:00

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Ciara

Angelina Jolie Ultrasound

2006-01-24T11:27:00.000-08:00

Angelina Jolie reportedly had a secret ultrasound scan at Santa Monica's St John's Hospital in California.

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Brad Pitt
Angelina Jolie

Magnum P.I. Movie Going Ahead

2006-01-24T11:00:00.000-08:00

Story Behind The Photo Chop...